As you may already be aware, my first IVF cycle was successful. The odds were against us and our chances were slim – but here I am witnessing my one-and-only double pink line @ 10DP5DT. I struggle finding the words to help explain how I felt in this moment. However, if I had to find the right word it would be ‘disbelief’. I was almost immune to that single-lined test, that I didn’t quite know how to react when I saw something different. One would think I’d be jumping up and down… it’s the moment I was fighting so hard for, wasn’t it?
The moment I got my first positive HPT, I quickly transitioned into a different panic mode, the panic of ‘I can’t let this go’… ‘it has to stick and stay’… because after all I’ve been through, to have this now not work and experience a loss, would just put me over the edge. So, going back from the outside looking in, this clearly made everyone around me frustrated and feel like there was always ‘something’ to stress over. I would hear over and over again ‘the stress isn’t good for the baby’, as if it was a choice to put something I fought so hard for in harm’s way.
I became obsessed and hid it from everyone (including my husband). I would buy HPT’s in bulk. I would take tests daily, sometimes even twice a day, to check and ensure I was still pregnant. I never really experienced pregnancy symptoms, which played with my mind as well. Wasn’t I supposed to be throwing up? Wasn’t I supposed to feel sleepy? Am I really pregnant? Nothing but panic.
I’d be lying if I told you the panic ever went away. It’s like I almost convinced myself that I would never have a baby, and the fact that I was pregnant seemed unreal. I became my own worst enemy. I totally understand how from the outside, it seemed like a lose-lose to deal with me… and that I was so far gone that nothing seemed to please me or make me smile. It wasn’t a choice. I was so afraid of the health my mental state that I no longer felt like I had the control. And that this was just the beginning of my downward spiral.
My Journey through Infertility 