#1in6

I would be lying if I told you that I would have imagined that the story of our relationship would face so many struggles – but I’d also be lying if I told you that I don’t appreciate my family a hell of a lot more because of it.

I always feared the nightmare of potentially never being able to hear a little voice call me mom, and it’s that fear that I unfortunately allowed to dominate my entire being.   

We struggled with infertility very early on in our marriage and I allowed it to consume me and overcome my soul. It was a time when ‘infertility’ was still a taboo subject and no one really openly talked about it. I so desperately sought out anyone that understood my journey and would not tell me to ‘just relax, not stress, and that it’ll happen’.

We face severe infertility and IVF was our only option at a ‘chance’. Vince and I embarked on the IVF journey together, yet alone. Alone in the sense that there weren’t many social media platforms and support communities, that focused on couples sharing their stories, advice, and words of encouragement. We had no one that understood the true grief that comes with infertility.

This journey truly took a toll on me, emotionally, physically and mentally. I experienced many moments of emotional breakdowns, depression, and resentment. I became an ugly person that I didn’t even recognize. I withdrew myself from all those that I loved most, especially my husband.

If there’s one thing that I want to share from my story, is how critical it is to live for today; not tomorrow, not 2 years from now, and definitely not dwelling on yesterday. I learned to focus on the step ahead, rather than the whole flipping staircase.

We had our son Mason in 2013 after our first successful IVF attempt.  We had 2 blasts make it to day 5 and took a chance and put them both in!  We were blessed with our 9lb12oz son 9 months later!   

After 12 months, Vince and I both decided we longed to give Mason a sibling. Not having experienced the pain of a failed IVF cycle, I was determined and even excited to give it another shot! (Literally) 2 failed cycles later, we felt defeated and utterly exhausted. ‘It’s a blessing you have Mason’ is what they would say, and while that’s true, no one can truly understand the anguish of succumbing to the notion that ‘I will never experience another first’ and that ‘my son will grow up alone’. There’s something even more toxic about that stress and emotion, which is so hard to articulate.

2 years after hitting my rock bottom, I sit in awe of my family.  I gaze into my son’s eyes and focus on taking him all in.  Enjoying every minute, including the tantrums, the witty outbursts, and every single belly-giggle.  

I look at my husband, and so grateful he chose me.  Grateful that he battled through this war with me and didn’t allow me to give up – give up on us.  If I could share anything with anyone going through this pain and uncertainty, is that it’s a moment in time and an isolated chapter in your story.  I beg you to not lose sight of today and miss out on the firsts you’re surrounded by.  I may have missed out on being able to experience another late night feeding, diaper change, or first steps, but I can assure you that I will never ever take another Mason-first for granted again…. like his first wiggly tooth!