I have so many different emotions associated with this photo. A moment captured of my son Mason, coming up to me with a piece of toilet paper to apply on my tummy after he witnessed one my infamous GONAL-F Injections.
I was quite weak throughout the IVF process, in the sense that I wasn’t able to administer my own injections and needed my husband’s help. As much as we tried to hide it, there were times which we weren’t left with any other option.
Going through IVF with a toddler is hard and comes with so many additional emotions that I didn’t experience the first time. Guilt by far is next level. Guilt of feeling like a crappy mom. A mom who subjected her son through moments of despair by being unable to hide my emotions. Hiding my emotions is extremely hard for me… and there were many times, which I failed to hide my tears in front of Mason that made me feel a million times worse.
I never want Mason to remember his mom always crying or being sad about not being able to have another baby, especially when I already had one beautifully perfect son to love unconditionally.
The reality of IVF is that you cry A LOT. Infertility for me came with feelings of guilt, anger, depression, and a shit load of resentment. Resentment that IVF had taken so much from me. How much of my mental capacity it consumed, which resulted in being unable to be fully present in my life, especially those that mattered most – my family.
As much as IVF has taken from me, through the years, it has also helped me become incredibly strong and mindful. The last few years I’ve slowly started to heal and find myself again. I still fight daily, but I also learn and grow. Today, more than ever, I do not take my tribe for granted. Vince and Mason are my entire world. They are enough.
My Journey through Infertility 