How Infertility Has Changed Me…

The deep desire to have a baby and all that comes with being unable to conceive naturally, once took over my entire life. The impact of infertility is so powerful that it can often change the purpose of who you are. It has the ability to alienate you from your family and friends by throwing you into a dark hole.

For me, it was about failure, loss of complete control over my life, and feeling utterly powerless.

When I sit back and reflect on it all, my struggle with infertility has been able to fundamentally change a big part of who I’ve become.

Infertility really made me realize what it meant to struggle. Up to this point in my life, I never truly understood the true meaning of ‘struggle’. I grew up with a motto, if you have goal, work hard and you can achieve anything. Until this very moment, when this no longer applied. No matter how hard I tried, I ultimately did not have control or the power to make my goals a reality. And for me… that was incredibly difficult to digest.

There were so many dark days, weeks, and even months that I never believed would be possible to get here. I never thought I’d be able to recover the instrumental pain I’ve endured from infertility. Yet here I am. Most days the magnitude of the gratitude I feel is too large to fully acknowledge.

My struggle with infertility has changed me, no doubt. It has taught me a vast amount to be grateful for. To really be mindful and appreciate the simple things in life that give me pleasure and to appreciate those around me. Ultimately, it has also helped me understand grief a great deal. This gift has allowed me to give back to others, by being that virtual outlet for someone, which sometimes means, sitting in a dark hole with them, but also being that ray of hope that is living proof that this struggle is not life-long. That we have the power to overcome it within, and that when we conquer it (with or without a baby) that we are still worthy and will thrive.

I may not remember every hcG beta, every follicle count, or medical protocol, but I do remember the extreme torturous pain and desolation of what struggling to conceive had on my soul. This personal journey allows me to be vulnerable to others, which I believe is a unique and wonderful gift, and I’m grateful that I found it.